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Protecting Christianity from Muslim/Hispanic Terror Babies

TpartyYou can’t help but feel just a smidgen of sorrow for the Republican Party as they move in a direction diametrically opposed to the direction of the majority of the country. They see “their country” pulling away from crazy just as conservatives sink ever deeper into madness. Beset by an illegal, black, Muslim, Socialist president who was reelected under their watch and whom they cannot seem to impeach, everywhere they look they see dire threats to their core beliefs.

It’s a tough situation to rectify. A lot of Americans were not ready for a mixed-race president. They weren’t ready for gay marriage. They weren’t ready for the wave of legal and illegal immigration that redefined American demographics over the past two or three decades, bringing in lots of nonwhites. They weren’t ready — who was? — for the brutal effects of globalization on working- and middle-class Americans or the devastating fallout from the financial crisis.

Their representatives didn’t stop Obamacare. And their side didn’t “take back America” in 2012 as Fox News and conservative radio personalities led them to believe they would. They feel the culture is running away from them (and they’re mostly right). They lack the power to control their own government. But they still have just enough to shut it down.

To alleviate their pain, conservatives gather together and elect crazy people to Congress to provide at least a modicum of comic relief to these apocalyptic end times. Their elected idiocracy recieves their marching orders as attempting to destroy government as we know it. If they can’t impeach the current government, they will just shut it down and drive the country into bankruptcy for the good of all. What drives the insane wing of the Republican Party? Here are a few private thoughts about the elected head of our government shared by members of a recent Republican focus group from within their disconnected bubble;

  • “Socialist, income redistribution”
  • “Lack of relationship with the American people.”
  • “Muslim; birth agenda; Fake; not true”
  • “Not a US citizen. Supports Terrorists.”
  • “I don’t believe he’s a Christian. He’s a tyrant.”
  • “He is going to try to turn this into a communist country.”
  • “He supports everything that is against Christianity.”

When their elected muttonheads hear these plaintive moanings, they feel the need to do something. Anything, as long as it will drive the heartrending cries from what little is left of their brains. They try legislative solutions such as denying health care to the poor and aged, or outlawing gay marriage and abortion. When these actions inevitably fail, they move quickly to the microphone. They berate the “government” for shutting down monuments on the Washington mall, forgetting that is was their own incompetence that put up the barricades in the first place. They blame low-level Park Service employees for the government shutdown. They would deny back pay to their own furloughed employees to castigate…? When those actions bear no fruit, they pacify themselves in their “essential” Congressional pool and spa and then complain about the service after they laid off most of the employees.gohmert

Ted Cruz, Steve Daines, Michelle Bachmann, Rand Paul, Steve King? Sure, they are good for a laugh occasionally when they try to explain their mystifying political philosophy, but I have to admit that my favorite Republican humorist is Rep. Louie Gohmert (R) of Texas. Most of the Cuckoo Caucus are capable of generating the occasional snicker, giggle or chuckle, but for outright howling paranoia, it’s hard to beat the illegitimate twin brother of Gomer Pyle. Did I mention… Texas? Shazaam,! What a guy! Louie lives in constant panic of “Terror Babies” rolling out of their cribs to inflict unbelievable devastation to our democracy. Louie sees Muslim radicals such as Senator John McCain shuttling Al Qaeda operatives across the Mexican border into Arizona. We know this because Al Qaeda has camps among the drug cartels south of the border.

“We know al Qaeda has camps over with the drug cartels on the other side of the Mexican border. We know that people are now being trained to come in and act like Hispanic when they’re radical Islamists. We know these things are happening and… it’s just insane not to protect ourselves.”

And, believe me, “insane” is something that Gohmert knows a lot about. Just wanted to express my appreciation to the good voters of Texas for electing folks like Louie who can’t help but keep the tone of our politics light and fun.

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