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Spinning the Tally

AMES, IA – Spokesmen for former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney have released their positive outlook following a totally meaningless Republican straw poll today at the Hilton Coliseum at Iowa State University. Although Romney finished seventh (out of 10) in the balloting with only 3.4% and well behind six of the most crazy people on the planet, Elder Moroni Snow, speaking from the steps of the Tabernacle in Salt Lake City was quick to point out that Elder Mitt finished well ahead of Michigan Congressman Thaddeus McCotter and was able to hold on to a slim lead over Captain America and Spongebob Squarepants.

Nearly 17,000 Iowans cast ballots while being pestered by more than 700 credentialed news reporters. Following his big win in Ames in 2007, Romney went on to become the Republican presidential candidate many wished they had chosen. This year, Mitt pulled in more than 500 GOP votes. Not bad for an unemployed saint.

Oracles for Romney see the Iowa balloting as a big win for their candidate. Boyd Packer, president of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles sent a spiritual text message to Romney shortly before the polls closed congratulating him on his triumph. A campaign staffer close to Romney says the candidate sees the Ames poll as an critical first step as the campaign moves on to the all important opinion poll next month at Rutherford B. Hayes Junior High School in Walpole, Vermont.

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